Flickr photo / dizznbonn (credit below)

Getting up early goes against every instinct you have as men. Remember how pissed your mom got when you missed church every Sunday because you slept until 1 p.m.? Remember how you didn’t care? And how proud were you in college when, through a little strategic scheduling, you managed to avoid a.m. classes altogether? It was one of the happiest moments of your life.

But you aren’t in college anymore, idiot. So why are you still getting up at noon?

There comes a time when real life slaps you in the face. When you have to drag your ass to bed during the p.m. and actually wake up during the a.m. Yep, even if it is still dark. Why do you have to do this? Because society wants you too. Look, I don’t like it anymore than you do. But after a post-college year of working from 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. for near minimum wage, I realized that, yes, I can spend my entire adult life grinding against the grain of real world in the name of individualism, but I could also die broke and alone.

Face it, your mother is right. You need to quit that swing shift job and get a 9-to-5 with good benefits, competitive pay and a reasonable schedule. You don’t want to? Well tough shit. You’re a man. Act like it.

Your boss? He doesn’t get up at noon. Your girlfriend? She hates dating a bona fide loser. Your more successful brother? He is ashamed of you. Your less successful brother? He’s trying to be just like you. And he’s succeeding.

At the very least, strive to get up by 10 a.m. The world somehow feels a little better when you can take the phrase “good morning” literally. You don’t have to be happy about it. But come on, man, get with the program.

After all, do you think Bear Grylls gets up at noon? Pssh. By the time you crawl out of bed, Bear’s already shimmied across two canyons and eaten 17 rare South American black-toed scorpions.

No, you aren’t going to be Bear Grylls. But you can have a little self respect,

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Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/justbecause/ / CC BY 2.0

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A MOVIE TRILOGY is a great way to spend a rainy day, a sick day, a day when you just don’t feel like moving too much. Grab your remote, your popcorn, your slippers and relax your way into fiction. Pick the right trilogy, and you’re in for at least six or so hours of cinematic bliss. But beware, pick the wrong trilogy and you’re doomed. One would think that if a movie is good enough to warrant two more added to its story, it’s worth checking out. Wrong. There are far more bad trilogies than those that pass The Man F.A.Q.’s test. Here’s a breakdown of our not-so-scientific findings. We broke the films down into four categories, ranging from the five trilogies that can’t miss to the ones that never should have been made. Here are our results, keeping in mind that we purposefully avoided cartoon and kid-flicks.

THEY GOT IT RIGHT
This group’s trilogies all went 3-for-3. They are great examples of what trilogies should shoot for. They are all not only congruent but dependent on each other for the story’s completion.

5. Pirates of the Caribbean
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006), Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007)
Mark’s take: This is an example of you-get-what-you-asked-for movie making. If you want three films about pirates and ghost stories without the made-for-TV dropoff in quality toward the end of the series, then you won’t be disappointed with Pirates of the Caribbean. The storylines in the third film are a bit lacking from the first two films — thus its No. 5 ranking — but all in all this is a series worth following through until the end.

4. The Lord of the Rings
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001), The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002), The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
Mark’s take: Again, you’re getting just what you asked for — short creatures trying to destroy a ring. Like many of the “trilogies that made it,” this is a series that was planned for three movies right out of the gate. It follows one story from the start of the first movie through until the end of the third movie. If the fantasy genre is your thing, here are damn-near nine hours you shouldn’t miss.

3. The Godfather
The Godfather (1972), The Godfather Part II (1974), The Godfather Part III (1990)
Mark’s take: Not only is this one trilogy every man should watch, but this threesome features two of the best stand-alone movies of all time. The third installment catches shit from some people, and others list it as their favorite. This film series ranks pushes itself into the top three because not only does the series carry one overall story throughout, but each film stands on its own as a quality piece of work. Sometimes, a man’s just in the mood for a little Godfather II, sometimes he’ll sit back and watch the whole thing.

2. Mad Max
Mad Max (1979), Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior (1981), Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
Mark’s take: Did this series get better with each new installment? Some people think so. Many, myself included, list the second film as their favorite. Some people pan the third film, but come one “two men enter, one man leaves,” you can’t beat that. The Thunderdome scene is enough to warrant the film’s existence. It’s a bit of a niche genre, but as I’ve said before, if films about a post-apocalyptic future are what you’re looking for, you won’t be sorry.

1. Star Wars (Original Trilogy)
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope (1977), Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980), Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)
Mark’s take: The trilogy that set the standard for all other trilogies. To be honest, putting Star Wars at No. 1 in the list is also something of a “lifetime achievement award,” based on the ground that the films broke. The first film broke the mold for the entire science-fiction genre. The action and special effects soared to heights never before seen by other SciFi films. The second movie eclipses the first in story and excitement for many, and is almost the unanimous answer to the question, “What’s you’re favorite Star Wars movie?” The third movie, albeit the weakest of the three, is a fitting conclusion to the story. It was probably your favorite as a kid — what with all the fun creatures — and likely carries fond memories with it.

ALMOST MADE IT
This group’s trilogies all went 2-for-3, as in great first movie and great sequel, but an epic failure of a third installment. The trilogies in the group are basically ranked in order of how steep the dropoff is in the third movie.

5. Friday
Friday (1995), Next Friday (2000), Friday After Next (2002)
Mark’s take: This rough-around-the-edges ghetto comedy struck a cord with movie viewers all over the spectrum. It was fresh and somewhat witty. Even the second movie showed that repeating the same types on one-liners can carry a film but so far. There was a steep dropoff from films No. 1 and No. 2, but people mostly enjoyed seeing the same characters one more time. The third movie, however (and especially with even how stale the second felt), wasn’t even worth the bother for viewers and shouldn’t have been worth the bother for the makers, either.

4. Blade
Blade (1998), Blade II (2002), Blade: Trinity (2004)
Mark’s take: Oh snap! A vampire hybrid that can go outside in the daytime? Good thing he’s a good guy. The first two Blade movies had a moving-comic-book feel that seemed fitting to the story. About the only thing we got from the third movie was Jessica Biel (hot) and seeing what Ryan Reynolds could do with a year in the gym. Not worth the price of admission, in my opinion.

3. The Matrix
The Matrix (1999), The Matrix Reloaded (2003), The Matrix Revolutions (2003)
Mark’s take: The first film made us ask the question,”What if all this isn’t real?” It’s a question we’ve all asked, similar to “What if we’re all just inside someone’s dream?” Well, we’re not. We’re too self-aware for that. But The Matrix added a diabolical twist to that age-old question. The first movie really could have stood alone. But it was such a boom at the box office, with critics and just about everyone else in the world that a second movie just seemed like an inevitability. The story continued, and still drew our attention. But the third installment was as disappointing as the first was ground-breaking. It seemed like the last five pages of a term paper that had waited until the last night to be written. It seemed like the characters and their development took a back seat to the fact that the movies creators just wanted to get done with their project on time. Still made a shit-ton of money, though. Movie-goers likely had the same excuse for shelling out the cash for the third movie, “Hell, I saw the first two so I had to see how it ended.”

2. Goal!
Goal! (2005), Goal! 2: Living the Dream… (2007), Goal! 3 (2009)
Mark’s take: This series sought to fill a void in the film world — soccer movies. There just aren’t that many out there (and, quite frankly, there aren’t that many people in America who seek out soccer movies). But for movie fans who also love the beautiful game, myself included, the first Goal! movie was eye candy. It was a story about a kid from the slums of Los Angeles, and illegal Mexican immigrant, who found his way onto an English Premiership team. He meets a girl, falls in love and scores some goals. In the second movie he strikes it rich with a deal to play for a Spanish team. This film is more about the main character’s development as an individual rather than as a soccer player. The second film also ends in a helluva cliff-hanger. And it was a cliff-hanger that was barely referenced in the third film. And, in fact, our beloved main character? We’ll he’s hardly even background noise in the third film that is both lacking in quality of the special effects and writing of the first two films. It’s about the quality of a home video made by a fourth-grader for his YouTube account.

1. Major League
Major League (1989), Major League II (1994), Major League: Back to the Minors (1998)
Mark’s take: If you want a corny take-over-the-world sports movie about a team coming together to achieve what’s possible, you’ve got it in Major League. Hell, you’ve got it in MLII. Take the first movie, they clinch the division and a spot in the playoffs. In the second movie, the Indians take it a step further, beating the White Sox in the ALCS and make it to the World Series. In the third movie, world champs, right? Wrong. It’s the little Twins vs. the big Twins, completely abandoning our beloved Indians and their quest for a World Series ring, and instead we’re in for an hour-and-a-half of “that guy from Quantum Leap” and “that guy who was the neighbor on Married With Children.” FFS.

SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AFTER ONE
Going just 1-for-3, these trilogies should have each been an only child.

5. The Transporter
The Transporter (2002), Transporter 2 (2005), Transporter 3 (2008)
Mark’s take: Fast cars and hand-to-hand fighting plus a closed-off, by-the-book character played by Jason Statham made the first movie something of a hit. But in the last two installments, we’ve got Statham babysitting and falling in love? Lame-o.

4. The Addams Family
The Addams Family (1991), Addams Family Values (1993), Addams Family Reunion (1998)
Mark’s take: OK, so maybe people remember watching the Addams Family on TV when they were a kid and fondly remember the series. Curiosity added to nostalgia are good enough reasons to watch the first movie. But like so many trilogies, there was simply no need for two more films. After the first movie, viewers had already seen Thing and Cousin It on the big screen. After that, there’s nothing to add.

3. Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park (1993), The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997), Jurassic Park III (2001)
Mark’s take: As the start, the first film gave its viewers a classic humans-vs-dinosaurs matchup without introducing time travel. A novel idea. I mean, DNA from mosquitoes, pretty cool. But that’s all it was, a pretty cool idea for a movie. No need for two more. But, there were. And they’re bad.

2. From Dusk Till Dawn
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999), From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter (2000)
Mark’s take: The first movie was directed by Robert Rodriguez and written by Quentin Tarantino. Sweet. The next two movies were simply produced by Rodriguez and Tarantino, and were both written and directed by people who are neither Rodriguez nor Tarantino. That pretty much says it all right there. The first movie, like many from Tarantino, has something of a cult feel which is “liked” by the masses and “loved” by a few. The last two movies in this trilogy simply don’t live up to the standards of films movie-goers usually associate with Tarantino.

1. Slap Shot
Slap Shot (1977), Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice (2002) , Slap Shot 3: The Junior League (2008)
Mark’s take: First movie=awesome. And for 25 years, that’s just what fan of this movie thought it was. A perfectly awesome sports movie, and that’s saying something considering the sport involved is one that many Americans couldn’t give two shits about. But, 25 years and the dumb Baldwin brother later, and Slap Shot was on it’s way to becoming the worst 2/3 of a trilogy ever.

NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN MADE
Quite frankly, 0-for-3. This group of movies should have all been aborted. Surely, there are actually even worse trilogies out there, but these all make the list because not only are they each a combination of three awful movies, but in each case there was either massive amounts of build-up and pre-release exposure or an unwillingness to simply die after the first failure … and the second.

5. I Know What You Did Last Summer
I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997), I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998), I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer (2006)
Mark’s take: The first movies was somewhat interesting with it’s “Oh, shit” moment. For half-a-second, you imagine yourself as one of those teenagers trying to complete the ultimate cover-up. But after the first few minutes, you realized this is a dumb movie about a bunch of dumb teenagers. But wait, they made two more! Super for movie-goers everywhere.

4. The Skulls
The Skulls (2000), The Skulls II (2002), The Skulls III (2003)
Mark’s take: Suspense and intrigue on a fourth-grade level. This movie takes what most cerebral thrillers do well, and did it horribly wrong.

3. Legally Blonde
Legally Blonde (2001), Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde (2003), Legally Blondes (2009)
Mark’s take: It wasn’t until I started researching this article that I even realized they made three of these movies. The first movie is an insult to anyone who ever got admitted to Harvard. Surely, we can’t be made to believe that a cute video and a perfumed-scented entrance essay can get you into an Ivy League school.

2. Maniac Cop
Maniac Cop (1988), Maniac Cop 2 (1990), Maniac Cop III: Badge of Silence (1993)
Mark’s take: OK, it’s a nice try. There are plenty of people out there who are afraid of actual cops. So, take a crazy killer cop, and you’re got a perfect thriller, right? Wrong. The first movie was a failure. So they made a second. Fail. And a third. Fail.

1. The Cutting Edge
The Cutting Edge (1992), The Cutting Edge: Going for the Gold (2006), The Cutting Edge 3: Chasing the Dream (2008)
Mark’s take: Holy shit. A movie about a hockey player becoming a figure skater … times 3. Really? Wow. The only thing worse than these movies is the titles for these movies.

Flickr photo / Saad.Akhtar

It’s seems like the only prerequisite to losing something is owning something. We’ve all lost a thing or two in our lives, and there’s nothing that so helpless a feeling than knowing you can’t find (BLANK) and it’s nobody’s fault but your own. Here’s our list of five things men lose that, when they do, it drives them absolutely insane.

REPLACEABLE
Our first three items go in the category of things you can easily replace. It’s a pain to, but possible.

5. The cord to … : Most things just get plugged in, and they stay that way. But these days, there are so many of our favorite electronics (iPods, laptops, portable GPS, etc.) that don’t need a cord all the time. I use my iPod cord probably once a week, if that — whenever I add new songs or it’s in desperate need of a charge. When I’m not using it, I usually put it in the same place. But every now and then, for some reason, it goes somewhere else. I might use it at the office to charge the iPod for an after-work workout. Then, the cord will get tossed in any number of work bags, gym bags, the back seat of the car, or who knows where. The next time I go to look for it, there’s that now-where-did-that-damn-cord-go moment that follows. Quite irritating.

4. Remote: Let’s face it, we love that our TVs now come with a device that allows you to change the channels without getting up. There’s a chance that when the remote goes missing, it’s not our fault. There’s the pulling up of the couch cushions, the lifting of the recliner, the inevitable shout of “Honey, have you seen the remote?” It’s very rare that the remote is any further than the 8-square-feet landing area for tube watching. So it’s usually easy to find. But the one time a kid or a dog runs off with it — or the random time you put it in the freezer — and it gets really lost, you’re in quite a pickle. It hasn’t happened yet in my adult life, but I do remember about three or four different universal remotes at my house growing up. That darn thing just kept disappearing. Wasn’t me.

3. Keys: It’s inevitable. No matter how routine you enter-the-house-from-work steps are, no matter how many times in your life you’ve dropped your keys in the same bowl on the table right next to the front door, they’ll end up going missing. And it’ll be right before a big meeting, when your wife’s water breaks or 10 minutes until closing time at that great pizza shop that has 2-for-1 carry-out specials. The best bet is to have a set spot for your spare keys. But what happens when those go missing?

NOT-SO-REPLACEABLE
Our last two items are things that are quite often irreplaceable. If you lose one of these, you might as well keep looking until your entire world is upside-down.

2. Mobile phone: Sure, it’s easy to buy a new phone. With the insurance, often it gets replaced almost free of charge. But what about the numbers in there. Quick, what’s your sister’s cell phone number? If you answered 7, then … well, that’s just the speed dial number. There are actually only two numbers that I use often that I have actually memorized — my wife’s mobile number and my boss’ desk number. (Seriously, my boss’ number? How sad is that?). Of course there are other numbers — my desk, our department’s main line, 411 and 911 — that I don’t use very often. But the majority of the numbers in my mobile phone directory, well zip. If that phone goes, I’m screws. I’ll have to start one of the mass “I lost my phone, can you send me your number” mass e-mails. There are services that will allow you to back up your numbers. I suggest using one of those. I had a primitive system a while back. I had  gotten to a point in my life where I basically had my people set in, I wasn’t getting all that many new numbers … so I just wrote them all down in a notebook. Now, if I could only find that notebook.

1. Wallet: Pretty much anything in your wallet is replaceable, in a sense. But that time isn’t. Imagine, waiting in line at the DMV, waiting on hold to get your credit/debit cards taken care of, your new driver’s and health insurance cards are going to take a while too. And of course there’s all those club cards that you’ll have to sign up for again so you can save 30 cents on a gallon of milk at Safeway. The DMV visit alone is enough to make you want to chain your wallet to your pants. But what about that feeling of, “Did someone steal it” as you race online to check your recent activity on any number of credit/debit accounts. After a man loses his wallet, then there’s the back-tracing of every step until the last time you actually used it. Was it at the gym? The Indian restaurant? Or did you leave it on your desk at work? To find the wallet, and avoid the hassles that come with replacing everything inside, a week-long search isn’t uncommon or uncalled for.

BONUS ITEM
Wedding ring: You’re just fooked.

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Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/saad/ / CC BY 2.0

Clint Eastwood

It would be easy for me to name five boxers or MMA dudes here. But that would be too easy. Living or dead, age doesn’t matter. It’s their body of work. This is my list.

1. My grandfather: As if surviving the German winters while fighting Nazis in World War II wasn’t enough, he raised four kids, one of which (namely me; I was adopted) managed to drive a fish hook beyond the barb in his thumb during a trip to the New River. Pops never even flinched. He simply took out his pocket knife, cut two slashes into his flesh on either side of the hook, and ripped that fucker out. He then stuck his thumb down in the cold, running water, wrapped it with a couple of Band-Aids, and continued fishing. I saw this happen. Yeah, not a guy I’d want to (or ever did) fuck with.

2. Clint Eastwood: (Pictured) I know he’s 80ish. I know he did some silly romance movie(s) with Sigourney Weaver or Glenn Close or some other old Hollywood lesbian. But I dare you to watch him in Hang ‘Em High, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Escape from Alcatraz, Unforgiven or any of the Dirty Harry movies and tell me unequivocally, that you’d challenge him to a fight. You couldn’t do it. Actors don’t exude that kind of toughness unless they truly have some of it in them. Eastwood’s a badass; it’s that simple.

3. Jeffrey Dahmer: Let’s be real; when it comes to guys I don’t want to fuck with, homosexual serial killers who double as cannibals rank pretty high on my list. Don’t think I need to elaborate on this one.

4. Mike Tyson: Could be higher on this list honestly. His boxing skill alone makes him one of the scariest dudes on the planet, but his mental instability and history of substance abuse immediately catapults him into, “I would not fuck with him” status. Tyson’s one of the hardest-punching, meanest fighters who ever lived. No professional fighter is to be fucked with unless you’re a professional fighter yourself, but there were a lot of professional fighters who couldn’t last a round with Iron Mike. He wanted to eat Lennox Lewis’ children for fuck’s sake! I don’t think Lennox Lewis even has children! Is that someone you want to challenge? I think not.

5. Bill Gates: This clearly has nothing to do with physicality because we all know William is soft as melted cheese. Or do we? No matter. The fact is he’s smarter than all of us. The only person as smart as Bill Gates who’s reading these words right now is Bill Gates, and I’m not sure BG is a big manfaq.com fan. The reason I wouldn’t fuck with Bill Gates is simple: he has hundreds of people in his employ who would grind me into Dahmer Food with the snap of his fingers. Besides, I’m 76.2 percent sure that Gates has developed some program by which he can make humans spontaneously combust if they come closer to him than he likes. If I die by fire, it’ll be when I fall into a volcano while connected to a gorgeous female, or when I rush into a burning house to save Briana Banks’ life, not because I’m crashing Bill Gates’ crib. I’m not fucking with him.

What are your top 5? Post a comment below.

Is ice dancing a sport?

I’m sure we’re all stoked that Team USA brought home a silver medal in ice dancing — some kind of figure skating — at the Winter Olympics yesterday. But this — as the Olympics usually do — raises the questions: Is ice dancing a sport? Or snowboarding, or any other event that has an outcome based solely on judges’ marks?

As the debate rages, here are Pros and Cons for whether these events should be recognized as sports or whether they’re just judged games. Read our list, and weight in by leaving a comment. Let us know what you think.

…

Is figure skating (for example) a sport?

Pros
– It meets many of the standards we’ve set aside to describe sports, as in it’s athletic, takes a certain level of skill and there are winners and losers.
– It doesn’t matter about the subjectivity of the judges if those judges are as fair as any other game’s referees, then their scores are sufficient to determine the outcome.
– It’s hard to find someone who won’t agree that boxing is a sport. When a boxing match goes 12 rounds, it goes to judges scorecards.
– If it’s on SportsCenter, it’s a sport

Cons
– Just because it meets certain guidelines that are usually used to describe sports doesn’t make it a sport.
– It’s all about the subjectivity of the judges. People can, for example, play a pick-up game of basketball without referees, score points and determine a winner based solely on their efforts. They cannot, however, have “pick-up” figure skating contests and determine winners and losers without judges.
– In boxing, at least you have a chance to take “matters into your own hands” by knocking out your opponent.
– SportsCenter? They also show highlights of the spelling bee and poker.

Flickr photo / seanosh (credit below)

SO YOU’VE SET OUT to create your own Man Cave. This seven-item checklist will make sure you get everything in the room that you’ll need. We’ll be focusing on a typical spare-bedroom Man Cave – the kind most of us get. If you’re lucky enough to have an entire finished attic or basement or above-the-garage bonus room, then you can go even further.

Screen: It all starts with the TV … the focal point. It’s what you’ll watch sports on, as well as re-runs of M.A.S.H and Cheers. Pick a spot where the TV won’t be obstructed by someone opening the door or where you won’t have to have your head turned all the way to the side to watch it. You’ve gotta go with a flat-screen if you can afford one. It takes up so much less room, and all the new ones offer ample inputs for cable, DVD players and game systems.

Sound: If sound is important to you (music fan?), you’ve got to go beyond your TV speakers. You can take it one step further by hooking up your two-speaker stereo system to the audio output of your TV. Take it to the ultimate level by getting an actual stereo receiver and slapping up the surround sound. Speakers today pack too much punch per inch; you can get small wall-mounted ones that’ll blow your hat off.

Seating: There are two directions you can go here if you’re limited on space: One couch or two recliners. Go for the sofa if you’re a lay-down TV watcher (or if you plan on doing a lot of napping in your Man Cave). The two recliners might be the way to go if you have a buddy who comes over often who might not want to sit next to you on the couch. But, ultimately, it’s your Man Cave, you get to make the call. A sofa sleeper can convert the Man Cave into a man-friendly guest room for when you old college roommate is in town for the weekend.

Storage: This is your first item from which you can get dual use. Sure, throw in a few shelves for your favorite DVDs and books (yes, you can use the Man Cave to read too), but also pull out the old foot locker from college or your time in the Army. Use it to store a few tools, the random remotes you only need to use every seven months and anything else you want close by but don’t need immediate access to. Your footlocker then becomes one part storage unit and one part coffee table. It’ll hold your hammer and nails and your icy-cold beer.

Mini-fridge: Speaking of that beer, you should also invest in one of those knee high mini-fridges. It’ll keep the beers nice and cold and if you put in either beside your couch or between your two chairs … boom … end table. Toss a football-helmet lamp on that sucker and call it a day.

Other plug-ins: These are your other tech toys, be it an Xbox, a personal computer, your amp and guitar or your neon St. Pauli Girl light. You’ve just got to make sure you have enough plugs to power everything. Power strips/surge protectors will come in handy here, but just make sure you don’t blow a fuse.

Your stuff: Finally, make the Man Cave yours. Got an old jersey from your football days? Hang it up. The retired kayak paddles? Wall. Maybe you’re even the proud owner of a piece of a giant redwood tree that was struck by lightning … it goes on the wall. Whatever makes you, well, you … that’s what makes the Man Cave yours. Without these things, it’s just a room with a couch and a TV.

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For your over-sized Man Cave: As before mentioned, if your the proud owner of a massive Man Cave, this is where you have room for your own bar, a pool table or ping-pong table, even a dart board. Don’t be afraid to go big with it. Just save those receipts … in case you have second thoughts, or realize you hate pool.

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Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/seanosh/ / CC BY-SA 2.0

Don't be the guy in the grocery store the midnight before Valentine's Day getting cheap flowers.

WHEN I NEED groceries, I find it best to go after work. For those that don’t know, I usually leave the office around midnight. When it’s that late at night, the 24-hour grocery store right around the corner of our house is usually pretty empty. Well, I was in there tonight fulfilling about a 10-item list – it was like any other late-night trip. Well, almost.

It just so happens that this particular trip fell the night before Valentine’s Day. And, of course, this being a grocery store, they went a little wild with the pink balloons, cheap roses/carnations, boxes of chocolates and poorly made stuffed bears. Not surprising, really. But what was surprising was the amount of men in there getting – literally – last-minute gifts for their wives and girlfriends for the next day’s holiday.

I mean, really, fellas? Is that the best you can do? Grocery store flowers bought at midnight the night before? Surely, I hope their women aren’t the only aspects of their lives that receive such little forethought.

Men, I tell you … that is the No. 1 way to fail Valentine’s Day. Here are nine more ways to fail big-time on Valentine’s Day. Avoid making these mistakes, and you just might be in for the night of your life.

• Arrive late: Showing up late lets your date know just where she falls on your priority list. The bottom line, you know you’re going to be late well before you’re actually late. If there’s a situation where you know you can’t make it on time, give her a call and let her know. Do that, and it’ll feel more like a slight change in plans rather than you just blowing it by not getting to her door on time.

• Show up under dressed: You’ve heard of the old office saying “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want.” Well, the same can be applied to dating. Now, don’t go overboard. Don’t wear a tux for dinner and a show if it’s not called for. However, don’t take her to see La Boheme wearing khakis and a polo.

• Show up empty-handed: It’s also key to remember that this isn’t just a regular date. That would be like saying the Super Bowl is just another football game. This is a big event for her, and it should be for you too. A token, even a temporary one (like flowers) is called for. Even if she says “No gifts needed this year,” what she means by that is no expensive jewelry. Even if you have a no-gift pact this year, getting her a card and some flowers doesn’t break that rule.

• Show up without a plan: No woman wants her Valentine’s Day date to start with the same “So, what’ya up for tonight?” that she might hear on a random Tuesday evening. By the time you reach her door, know what you’re going to do that night, and make sure it’s something she will find fun. Do that, and you very well may reap the rewards later.

• Forget to complement: The second you see her on Valentine’s Day, it’s like a massive unveiling for her. Everything she did to get ready – her hair, her makeup, her outfit – was to impress you. Make sure she knows it has.

• Head to the restaurant without a reservation: So you’re planning on going to your favorite restaurant, and you’ve never needed a reservation before? Well, this ain’t your typical weekend. When you get to the restaurant, you’d better have made a reservation. And if you’re planning on taking her to a place that “doesn’t do” reservations on Valentine’s Day, well then perhaps you shouldn’t be taking your date to Denny’s on such an occasion.

• Talk about (the wrong) Valentine’s Days past: This one is mainly for the V-Day first-timers. If this is your 40^th Valentine’s Day with the same woman, by all means talk about the great years past. However, if this is you and your lady’s first one together, try to avoid talking about the miseries (or triumphs) of previous years. It’s simply classless.

• Eat too much: Admit it, there’s nothing better than going out to a nice restaurant, eating your fill and sinking into the couch when you get home for a night in front of the tube. However, in reiteration, this isn’t your typical night out. You don’t have to eat like a bird, but don’t over-stuff. You may need to be light on your feet a little later.

• Go (obviously) cheap: Some women just love what others may think to be “typical” or “cliche” gifts for Valentine’s Day. Maybe your lady just loves a new stuffed teddy bear, heart-shaped box of chocolates and pink-iced cookies for V-Day. If that’s the case, then by all means give her what she wants. But don’t take your good fortune to mean that you can just stop into a corner drug store and get all your Valentine’s Day shopping done in less than two minutes. There’s a difference between not expensive and cheap. She likes chocolate? Go for Ghirardelli instead of the store brand; it’s only a few bucks more. She wants a plush bear? Don’t pick up the one at the check-out counter next to the gum and candy bars, instead pony up the extra $10 for a quality one from a department store. She wants cookies? Don’t go for the ones in the grocery store in the plastic box by the dozen; for about the same price, you can get two gourmet cookies from your local bakery.

]]> http://www.themanfaq.com/news/2010/02/vday-fail/feed/ 0 http://www.themanfaq.com/news/2010/02/beer-punch/ http://www.themanfaq.com/news/2010/02/beer-punch/#comments Fri, 12 Feb 2010 14:30:19 +0000 Mark J. Yates http://www.themanfaq.com/news/?p=1594

Moylan's Hopsickle Triple IPA

THERE IS drinking beer, and there is taming the hop-filled (or malt-filled) beast. Here’s our list of five beers that will punch you right back in the mouth should your dare to tame them. Be careful, they could knock you out.

Pliny the Younger, Russian River: It’s only available for one week out of the year, and in 2010 the brewery sold out of the brew on the day of release. The massive IPA was available at other beerfests in the region (that week only), and at select breweries nationwide … this beer may very well be the hardest to get your hands on in the world. If you can’t get your hands on this one, it’s brother – Pliny the Elder – is available year-round.

Double Bastard, Stone Brewing: It shouldn’t be taken lightly, because it will kick your ass if you’re not ready. It’s woody and extremely warming with a heavy caramel flavor that is followed by a deeply-cooked citrus flavor – almost like the juice from a grapefruit rind. This beer packs as much malt as it does hop, as much sweet as bitter.

Hopsickle, Moylan’s Brewery: The instant you stick your nose into the glass, you know where the beer gets its name. There’s nothing subtle about this aroma. It’s hops, hops, and more hops. There’s nothing subtle about the hop bang you get right from the first sip. Allow yourself to savor a bit, and you’ll find out the citrus hint from the aroma turns into a pop of bitter grapefruit that lingers slightly after the swig is swallowed.

Pranqster, North Coast Brewing Co: A strong golden ale that pours even more rust-orange than golden, to be honest. It’s sweet and bead-like up front, but packs a spice not usually associated with a golden ale. It’s perhaps the only beer of its kind that has enough alcohol to warm your core, and it more than stacks up to it’s more-hoppy counterparts.

Mephistopheles’ Stout, Avery Brewing Co: As dark as night itself, this molasses-like smooth stout doesn’t do much to hide it’s 16 percent ABV. It also has a sweet side, that caresses the lips like that … well, you’re not really allowed to tell, are you?

Mark J. Yates

CONSIDERING THAT over the last year I’ve lived in both California and North Carolina, I’ve spent a pretty decent amount of time in New Orleans. In the past 365 days, I’ve visited the Big Easy in three different occasions, including a week-long trip for my honeymoon. I’ve also taken two cross-country road trips which were essentially mapped out to go through New Orleans.

That being said, when the Saints won the Super Bowl last night, it honestly felt like my hometown team was hoisting the Lombardi Trophy. But I have to imagine that even the countless neutral fans watching the big game on Sunday were celebrating when the clock in Miami hit zeroes. Let’s face it, unless you were a die-hard Colts fan, it was simply un-American to root against the Saints on Sunday.

Given what that city has been through since Katrina ripped through in the summer of 2005, and the fact that so much horror was associated with the Superdome — the home of the Saints — that happiness is once again associated with the Superdome, the Saints and that city demonstrates the true power of sports to heal our emotional wounds.

But when you think about it, it’s not sports that does the healing. No, sports are merely the channel. New Orleans has always loved the Saints … even the Aints fans loved that team. What brings the city of New Orleans that healing power is that the Saints are something they can all agree on. From guy in the three-peice suit in the financial district to the guy wearing waist-high waders working in the sewage plant, they all wear Black and Old Gold on Sundays.

And that is what brings the city together.

Rooting for the Saints was never a question for New Orleans, but winning the Super Bowl is something I think all sports fans can agree that the city deserved. Even Colts fans should tip their caps to the Disney World-bound Saints (East Coast team, Disneyland’s a little far).

Either way, I tip my cap to you New Orleans. For I can say with total resolution, no city in sporting history deserves a championship more.

Geaux Saints!