Could this be rock bottom? It very well may be

By James Allorski

I AM GOING to tell you something that I’m not proud of. No bragging, no boasting, no real humor about it. Just an embarrassing occurrence that, I believe, could only be exclusive to me.

Last week, I spent $230 on fast food.

And I only had $500 in my bank account.

And I don’t have a job past December 30.

And I didn’t check my account balance.

And by the end of the week, I was nearly $400 in the hole.

And I had to borrow $500 from my mother.

All because I spent $230 on fast food.

I feel shame.

It wasn’t all McDonalds and Jack in the Box. In fact, I would say no more than $75 went to grease barns. But there was plenty of Subway, a lot of morning bagels and tons of $2 coffees that tend to add up.

So you might ask what happened when I finally checked my balance and saw -$324 staring me in the face as I demolished a Subway club that would eventually cost me $40 after overdraft fees.

Well, I finished my sandwich in the silence of disbelief. Then I let the expletives go. Lots of them. I nearly broke down crying on my bed, explaining to myself how utterly stupid I am. I punched things. I kicked over my space heater. I took a shower.

But before that shower, I stripped down naked, stared at myself in the mirror for a few minutes and berated myself with the following chant:

“You’re so stupid! You are so fucking stupid! Oh my fucking lord, how could you be so stupid you stupid asshole?! Holy fuck you are the stupidest man in the world! Really, there is nobody in the world dumber than you!”

And then I continued that line of questioning and observation in the shower.

I’ve always wondered exactly what rock bottom is, and if I’ve ever hit it.

Was it that Friday night alone in rural Colorado where I ate an entire extra large meat lovers pizza in 13 minutes? Was it that time I was on a first date, got drunk and offered myself in a threesome with my date’s friend and her boyfriend while my date looked on? Was it the time I overdrafted my bank account to subscribe to a porn site?

No. No it wasn’t. Now I know that rock bottom came the week I spent $230 on fast food despite having no guarantee of another paycheck.

As you can guess, this is not manning up.

But it is part of the process, I suppose.

Because it not-so-subtly occurred to me that, if I actually want to have a fulfilling life, I might want to control my finances a little bit better. Of course there are larger issues in play here. A lack of respect for my body, a little bit of arrogance in thinking that this wouldn’t catch up with me. Maybe even a little self loathing.

But I always knew those things were there. It’s just somewhat entertaining and mystifying how they present themselves.