Time to turn in big-and-tall membership card

By James Allorski

Week 1 of my quest to become a real man at 30 is pretty much over, but like the big piece of shit I am, I waited until Monday to really begin.

Yep, I suck like that.

The first mission is losing weight. To me, that’s the biggest part of this whole thing. Why? Well, if you’ve never been fat, you don’t really understand. But if you have, then “Why” is an easy question to answer.

But before I answer that question, let me first give you some perspective. I weighed myself on Sunday morning, clocking it at a cool 315 pounds. I am 6-foot-3, but I’ve long ago given up on telling myself that my height adequately disguises my weight. Nobody outside of the NFL and Shaq looks good at 300 pounds.

But I’ve been 300 pounds most of my life, with a quick jaunt up to 370 while living in a lonely Colorado town where most of the women had more babies than teeth. When I hit 370 in early 2006, I decided to lose 100 pounds. By the summer of 2008, I was down to 260, and looking like a white hot piece of man ass (relative to my previous fattiness, at least.)

So it’s quite disheartening to clock in at 315 only a year later, and I can’t remember more than three meals that I ate over the last year. So did I get anything from gaining 55 pounds over a year? Nope. Not one thing, except for whatever STDs I avoided by not having sex. But then again, sometimes a little flare up is OK if you’re getting laid, right?

See, I kept going to the gym, but less frequently. I kept eating healthy, but only three days a week, and rarely on consecutive days. I stopped weighing myself, which gave me no tangible guide by which to measure myself. And soon, I sank slowly back into the abyss of the lazy, unattractive man. It wasn’t exactly the way I wanted to end my 20s.

Especially since my life as a whole became worse. I wasn’t as confident around women. I was miserable at work because I had exactly one pair of pants and three shirts that fit me. And when I got over 300 pounds, those shirts were showing off my man boobs. Only some crow-eating trips to the big and tall store (XXXL?!) beefed up my wardrobe a little bit.

Eventually, I couldn’t stay away from food. If my boss ordered pizza for all the employees to share, I had at least 7 slices. If it was someone’s birthday, I’d wait for my coworkers to go home before I would inhale as much cream cheese-based frosting as I could. And then I’d leave work and spend $15 at Jack in the Box.

Why? Because by then I was an unfuckable, putrid excuse for a human being. I didn’t exactly feel good about myself.

So why is losing weight such a big deal to me? Well, for one it is something I’ve struggled with my entire life, and it would be somewhat symbolic to shake this weight now, once and for all. But more importantly, losing weight will change my identity, and no longer will I be “James the funny fat guy,” rather I’ll be “James, the funny guy who ain’t bad looking and seems like he’d be really good in bed but too bad you’re married and you’ll have to pass him off to your hot younger sister.”

So the goal by next August, is to lose approximately 95 pounds. The number I have in my head is 220, which is lower than I ever thought I could get to. Maybe I’ll end up at 240, and that would be fine with me. But at 220, I think I’d be truly happy with myself physically.

Along the way, I want to tone up and become more active. To start, I’ve begun going to the gym regularly again. Wednesday marked the third straight day I’ve hit 24Hour Fitness. I am sticking with what works, for now, and that is the elliptical machine. You might think I’m a pussy because real men use treadmills. But then again, I might think you’re kind of a prick. So that evens out.

Anyway, 40 minutes on the elliptical is my starter workout. In the next two weeks I want to move into weight lifting at least three times per week, with five cardio sessions worked in. I shall take Saturdays off, and Monday’s – for now – will be a regularly scheduled red meat and beer day.

As for food, I’ve been eating lean meats, fruits, vegetables and whole grains, getting plenty of fiber so I can poop on a regular basis. If you didn’t know, I love to poop. I am aiming for a daily caloric intake of 1,300-2,000. My first benchmark is to get under 310 by Monday and I already sense a nice mental rhythm going on all fronts.

See, losing weight isn’t necessarily about just doing it. In order to actually do it, you have to be in the right mental state. For some reason, I couldn’t find that mental state over the last year. But you have to truly want to do it. And now, I am proud to say I truly want to do it.

Next summer, this series will end with me accomplishing some big goal. I haven’t exactly decided what it will be yet, but I’ve been eyeing up Pikes Peak in Colorado for some time now.

I’ll tell you more about that next week.