Clint Eastwood

It would be easy for me to name five boxers or MMA dudes here. But that would be too easy. Living or dead, age doesn’t matter. It’s their body of work. This is my list.

1. My grandfather: As if surviving the German winters while fighting Nazis in World War II wasn’t enough, he raised four kids, one of which (namely me; I was adopted) managed to drive a fish hook beyond the barb in his thumb during a trip to the New River. Pops never even flinched. He simply took out his pocket knife, cut two slashes into his flesh on either side of the hook, and ripped that fucker out. He then stuck his thumb down in the cold, running water, wrapped it with a couple of Band-Aids, and continued fishing. I saw this happen. Yeah, not a guy I’d want to (or ever did) fuck with.

2. Clint Eastwood: (Pictured) I know he’s 80ish. I know he did some silly romance movie(s) with Sigourney Weaver or Glenn Close or some other old Hollywood lesbian. But I dare you to watch him in Hang ‘Em High, The Outlaw Josey Wales, Escape from Alcatraz, Unforgiven or any of the Dirty Harry movies and tell me unequivocally, that you’d challenge him to a fight. You couldn’t do it. Actors don’t exude that kind of toughness unless they truly have some of it in them. Eastwood’s a badass; it’s that simple.

3. Jeffrey Dahmer: Let’s be real; when it comes to guys I don’t want to fuck with, homosexual serial killers who double as cannibals rank pretty high on my list. Don’t think I need to elaborate on this one.

4. Mike Tyson: Could be higher on this list honestly. His boxing skill alone makes him one of the scariest dudes on the planet, but his mental instability and history of substance abuse immediately catapults him into, “I would not fuck with him” status. Tyson’s one of the hardest-punching, meanest fighters who ever lived. No professional fighter is to be fucked with unless you’re a professional fighter yourself, but there were a lot of professional fighters who couldn’t last a round with Iron Mike. He wanted to eat Lennox Lewis’ children for fuck’s sake! I don’t think Lennox Lewis even has children! Is that someone you want to challenge? I think not.

5. Bill Gates: This clearly has nothing to do with physicality because we all know William is soft as melted cheese. Or do we? No matter. The fact is he’s smarter than all of us. The only person as smart as Bill Gates who’s reading these words right now is Bill Gates, and I’m not sure BG is a big manfaq.com fan. The reason I wouldn’t fuck with Bill Gates is simple: he has hundreds of people in his employ who would grind me into Dahmer Food with the snap of his fingers. Besides, I’m 76.2 percent sure that Gates has developed some program by which he can make humans spontaneously combust if they come closer to him than he likes. If I die by fire, it’ll be when I fall into a volcano while connected to a gorgeous female, or when I rush into a burning house to save Briana Banks’ life, not because I’m crashing Bill Gates’ crib. I’m not fucking with him.

What are your top 5? Post a comment below.